I find internal resistance at certain points of thought exploration. Those points are often telling. I sense their fragility – that they should be gently handled. I also feel that, like boundary conditions in math, they can reveal deep truths that are otherwise unseen in the expanse of centrality. Meaning and purpose are those points for me. What I fear, perhaps, is that I am inventing meaning for myself and for others. It is the type of spiraling thought that takes me deep into the existential caves.

I may not find the fact that I want to eliminate the suffering of life compelling enough to believe it should be eliminated, but the fact that I want this belief to be true is of interest. What am I trying to deny by wanting this to be the truth? Why do I find safety in meaning?

Can I imagine going about my daily life – exercise, work, relationships, tasks – without attaching meaning to any of it? Is that simply “going through the motions”? Is that robotic? Is that anti-human? Could it be transcendent?

But by that description, transcendence could mean rising above the complications of emotions and returning to a purely animal state, driven by evolution and the simple need to follow the rules of survival set within our biology. However, we can’t take for granted that survival is an evolutionary driver. That alone seems remarkable: that we came to exist with an embedded purpose of continuing existence. In that sense, our emotional development could be an evolutionary awakening to our own evolutionary biology. What feels good within our minds and bodies – not just as a brief sensation but as a lasting benefit, such as the physical release of exercise, the social engagement with close friends and family –  can often guide us to wellbeing. Would it really be transcendent to live outside of those emotions that, when aligned and in sync with the body, lead us to greater happiness and thriving as a species?

Somewhere within this thought process I linked emotions to meaning. It was a good start to the exploration but may be a false premise. What does meaning without emotion look like, from the perspective of the self?