There is a quiet fear that lingers in my being. It is the fear of not knowing who I am to others. Have I caused discomfort or hurt or pain? Has my intensity overridden my compassion?

My deepest, most painful desire is to be kind. I do not want to make life harder than it already is for others. And yet, my perfection drive takes me there. It is abhorrent. I fear that I am abhorrent.

How can a life reconcile such extremes within a single existence? How can I feel such depths of sorrow when I have carried almost none?

My daydream is a beautiful world. It is a future of belonging. Poverty and hunger and suffering are prioritized – not in a political sense, but in a deeply human sense. Humans, though diverse in thoughts and opinions, agree on this: we will not cause each other’s suffering. And, what’s more, we will alleviate each other’s suffering.

Can we not track the trajectory of this future? The more we allow ourselves to flourish, the more we cultivate our own growth. If we must resort to mere probability, we still succeed: The more humans that are given tools and resources for flourishing under these shared values, the greater the likelihood of encountering transformative genius that will take us to higher levels of human achievement.

But the paradox – we cannot achieve with the mere goal of achieving. We achieve when we value the thing in itself rather than what the thing can offer. And this is the only solid foundation for true growth.

Imagining this world is an escape from my own flaws – as if this world is only possible if all are flawless. That becomes heaven, a place unobtainable to the living and breathing. No, this world must retain its flaws of selfishness and small-mindedness and not be overcome. Continuous perfection does not stir us up, does not invite challenge, and this lack of resistance only diminishes potential.

And yet, when I bring my thoughts to this present ground, I find myself in turmoil – both longing for perfection and knowing I will never achieve it. Knowing perfection is not the solution but still striving for it. Needing failure as much as I need success. I find myself hard to tame. Could I expect differently of the world?